


The One That Put the Perk in Central Park

by TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone, ZanderFrae



Series: F. A. N. T. A. S. I. E. S. [3]
Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Bingy Bongy Baby Boy, Blood Kink, Dubious Consent, Exhibitionism, F/M, Light BDSM, M/M, Mommy Domme, Multi, Public Sex, Siren!Phoebe, Sort Of, Threesome - F/M/M, Voyeurism, Werewolf!Rachel, Zombie!Joey, detatchable penis, established poly relationship, little boy - Freeform, vampire!Monica, vampire!ross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-24 07:50:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20904170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone/pseuds/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZanderFrae/pseuds/ZanderFrae
Summary: Chandler has a little surprise in store for Joey when the gang meets up for coffee.





	The One That Put the Perk in Central Park

**Author's Note:**

> TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone as Joey, Rachel, and Monica  
ZanderFae as Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross

Joey groaned in frustration for the third time in the last five minutes, “I told you, I said ‘hey, make sure you see where that thing rolls so we don’t _ lose it _ ’! But no, since it’s just _ my dick _ it’s fine that it goes and rolls off under the bed somewhere.” He glared over his shoulder at Chandler who was already dressed again while Joey crouched in just his sweatshirt and socks by the bed, very miffed and noticeably missing a body part, “Ya could _ help _me, Mr. Breaks-Off-Joey’s-Weiner-Every-Five-Seconds-Then-Loses-It.”

Chandler held his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, I placed it on the nightstand before drifting to sleep. Not my fault it likes to twitch and roll on its own. You were too fucked out to stitch it back on or bring in the professionals,” he pointed out smugly, clenching his ass muscles a bit.

Joey made a face and blinked, "No wait I think it's wedged under something… you know if we don't reattach it in eighteen hours, I have to get it replaced right? That shit’s still dead." He sighed and stood up, glaring at where his dick used to be firmly attached and grabbed his pants, "Well whatever, I'll deal with it another time."

Chandler turned to open the door, smirking. “That’s probably for the best, Jojo. I’m sure we’ll find it when we get back!”

Joey groaned and stood up, looking down at his crotch, “ . . . easy for you to say, I mean, I still pee sometimes . . . “ he pulled on a pair of jeans and slogged miserably after Chandler, “My poor, poor penis, lost forever . . . probably get stolen by a sock gnome or some shit . . .“

“Mm yes. Sock gnome,” Chandler deadpanned, clenching his ass again, “a most serious and common dick burglar. If this is your way of apologizing for blaming me when you actually re-attached it yourself and masturbated ** _after_ ** our mind-blowing dual-performance last night, I forgive you.”

Joey opened his mouth then snapped it shut and pouted, “I plead the fifth and refuse to ack- know- hm . . . whatever.” Joey held the door open for Chandler, “And I did not _ mean _to pull it off, I just kinda . . . did it by accident.”

The human rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Jojo, but seriously don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll turn up sooner or later! Just don’t drink too much coffee or you’ll be peeing out a bigger hole than normal!”

Joey pouted and dragged his feet the whole way, glancing back over his shoulder every so often, “Easier for you to say, all living and shit . . .“ He adjusted his pants and took Chandler’s hand tightly, “I guess it’ll be alright, so long as it stays wedged under the bed wherever it is.”

“Where else would it go?” the human asked, squeezing his undead boyfriend’s hand in a reassuring manner. “I didn’t realize it was even in ya to worry this much, Joey. C’mon, lighten up! It’s time to put some Perk in our day!”

“Of course it’s a big worry, ya mook, it’s _ my penis _!” Joey snorted and shook his head, “Someday you’ll understand when you’re all wrinkly and old and your penis is hanging down to your knees but won’t get up for anything. I don’t know what the correlation is but now I can’t think about anything else. Just old Chandler with a broken dick . . .“ He reached forward to open the door for himself then held it for Chandler, “Man I’m hungry . . .”

Thanks to the extended search time trying to locate Joey’s dick, the couple were the last ones to the coffee shop. Rachel had just gotten off shift and was sitting as they entered. “Oh hey, glad you could grace us with your presence, guys.” Rachel waved them over.

Chandler rolled his eyes before leaning down to give Monica a kiss on the cheek. “Someone’s cranky today. Is it almost moon time?”

Ross groaned, “Can you ** _please_ ** stop calling it that?”

“Hey, could be worse; Joey used to call it my ‘time of the month’ which . . . _ nice _.” Rachel fixed Joey with a pointed look but the zombie only sulked, “But then I took his femur and he quit that.”

“You didn’t _ take _ it, you _ buried _it in the park.” Joey mumbled then sat down awkwardly and grimaced.

“D’ya know how difficult it is to have sex when someone’s missing a femur he’s used to having? Trust me: I was surprised,” Chandler added with a wiggle and clench.

Joey breathed in sharply and his eyes widened, he swallowed and slowly crossed his legs, “It wasn’t, ahem, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Surprised you can drag yourselves out of the bed half the time, but at least I get the nightshift here and there.” Monica smiled and patted Chandler’s hand.

Ross rolled his eyes and set his giant mug down, muttering, “Because having _ one _ of my best friends date my sister wasn’t bad enough; you had to date the _ other _best friend too.”

Phoebe chuckled. “You’re happy that they’re happy and you know it, Ross! It’s not like watching you moon after Rachel for multiple seasons was a walk in the park, y’know!” Her eyes widened for a moment before she giggled, “No pun intended, Rach!”

Chandler narrowed his eyes and batted at the blonde playfully, “Encroaching on my territory there, Phoebes? Better watch out!” He ‘adjusted’ on the couch again.

Joey bit his lip and leaned over to Chandler, “Chan, I, uh, I think something’s, hngh, something’s wrong at home. Maybe I should go check it out?”

“You alright, Joey?” Rachel asked, cocking an eyebrow, “You didn’t _ lose _something, did you?”

“No!” Joey sputtered and sat back, spreading his legs and giving the air of being totally relaxed.

Phoebe narrowed her eyes and leaned toward the zombie. “I dunno, guys; there’s something weird with his aura. You sure whatever’s _ wrong _ is at home, Joey?”

Joey’s eye twitched and he smiled crookedly, “Sure! I thought for a second I left the stove on.”

“You can cook?” Rachel asked.

“You can turn on the stove?” Monica teased.

Chandler ground against the couch, eyes turned on Monica. “I’ve never seen him use it as more than a waypoint for groceries!”

Joey made a noise and curled in on himself, “Holy shi-” He looked around and grimaced, “Think, uh, think that Mexican is disagreeing with me . . .“ He looked about ready to bolt, he grabbed Chandler, hissing under his breath, “Okay, something is definitely _ not right _in Little Tribbiani Town!”

The human feigned a look of concern, clenching his sphincter again, and whispered back, “Everything feels just fine to me.” Loud enough so that more than just Monica and Joey could hear, he added, “Do you need to go back upstairs, Jojo? It’s alright if you do… but I think I’m gonna stay down here.”

Joey frowned for a second at that first remark, eyes narrowed then he slowly leaned back, “ . . . Bing, you twisted bastard.”

Monica cocked an eyebrow then she had to suppress a smile, “So, what does everyone think, should we get our coffee to-go? The park is really nice today.”

Phoebe grinned. “I could go for a walk! Maybe sing to some squirrels. Check up on my people.”

Ross frowned at the trio, suspicion glinting in his glance. “I wouldn’t be averse to the park.”

Joey made a sound and slowly got up though his knees were a bit shaky, “I just realized we didn’t go order our coffee, Chandler, _ darling _ what would you like? It’s on me.” He smiled but it was tight and pleading.

Chandler rolled his eyes. “Coffee black as my soul. Same as _ always _, my love.” 

Joey leaned in closer, “Truer words never thought, _ babe _.” he awkwardly walked to the counter, head firmly held high and chest puffed out, “I’m the man,” He muttered to himself, “I’m the big dickless zombie dating literal Satan . . .who is in turn dating literal Lilith.”

They watched Joey walk off and started getting their coats, Monica leaned over to Chandler, “How long you gonna last, Chandler? Because I think Joey is about to try and outpace you.”

“Oh don’t worry about that, _ Mon _. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve yet.” He winked before addressing the rest of the group, “I need to pop into the bathroom before we head on our little walk. Try not to miss me too much.”

Joey’s spine stiffened and he was about to leap over and grab Chandler but their coffee was set on the bar and he reluctantly paid and grabbed them, giving Chandler his best pout before rejoining the group. He glared at Monica, “He ever steal your tits or pusspuss? Cuz lemme tell ya, after this, I really really want you to go full femdom on him.”

Ross squirmed uncomfortably. “Okay, I really _ really _ do not want to know what is going on here… but I can promise you that’s not how it works for vampires.”

Chandler swaggered into the bathroom, fumbling with his zip with one hand as the other locked the door behind him. As soon as his pants fell to the ground, he braced himself against the wall and reached back to pump Joey’s dick in and out a few times, careful to avoid his prostate.

Joey blinked and carefully set the cups down on the low table before casually sitting down and putting his head in his hands, breathing slowly through his nose then he stood up and smiled tightly, “Well, uh, I, um, ahem,” He shivered slightly, “I think I’m ready to go.”

“You, uh, um, ahem, sure about that?” Rachel asked skeptically, eyebrow cocked.

Phoebe squinted at him even as Ross pinked. “Yeah… I think I figured out what’s wrong. There’s something _ missing _ in your aura. I could have sworn it was there before, though.”

Ross grumbled, “Um, Phoebes, as _ endearing _ as we all find your innocence, ** _I beg of you_ **: please don’t ask any questions.”

In the bathroom, Chandler popped the dick out all the way, ran some cold water on it until it was about half-mast, and then worked it back in with a packet of lube he’d brought. “Can’t have either one of us getting _ too _ready before the night’s up, can we, Lil Joseph?”

Joey made an inhuman noise in the back of his throat at the strange sensation-feedback he was getting, he muttered under his breath, “You sick sonuvabitch . . . “

Monica leaned in and whispered, “I take it he’s going to _ really _get it later, huh, hot stuff?”

“In spades.” Joey mumbled, his gray skin pinked at the tips of his ears and his cheeks.

Before anyone could comment, the human returned, declaring, “Let’s take the park by storm!”

As they were walking to the park, Joey grabbed Chandler’s arm, “I know what you did, Bing, you sneaky, bad man. Now you take that magnificent specimen of manhood out of your backend this instant or I sweat I’ll . . . do something equally maniacal and clever to you in the very near but undetermined future!”

“Is that a promise, _ Joseph _?” Chandler winked and hugged the zombie’s arm in a near-perfect pretense of coupledom perfection.

Joey blinked as his threat went by without more than a wink and he grumbled miserably, sipping his coffee, “You’re mean, you know that? Kudos on your kegels though . . . really killing it in there . . . I _ hate _you.”

“I can’t believe you would say such hurtful things! I have prepared _ months _ for this, Joseph. For ** _you_ ** . And yet you say such horrible things!” Chandler let go of Joey’s arm and strode forward with a whine, “ _ Monica _, Joey’s mocking my sacrifices again.”

Monica looked back at Joey, “Really, Joseph, how can you be so callous? It’s alright, Chandler, here, come to Mommy.” She gave his ass a firm rub and smirked when she felt the thing wedged up Chandler’s backside give a pulse and a twitch.

Joey hissed in a breath and stopped with his knees pressed together, glaring at both of them before hurrying to catch back up, “You two are just . . . awful.”

Rachel and Ross were walking a bit ahead but Rachel stopped and her nose twitched, she glanced over her shoulder, “Everything okay back there, Joey?”

“I’m _ fine _.”

“Really cuz you usually smell a lot less . . . warm and . . . I dunno, does he smell sticky to anyone else?” Rachel looked around, “You getting sick?”

“Ummm define ‘sticky’ for us, Rach--especially us normal-nosed humans,” Chandler quipped with raised brow.

Phoebe cocked her head, “You _ do _ realize you’re the only human in the group since Joey turned, don’t you?”

Chandler blinked a few times before deflecting, “Of course. Yeah. You’re… ah… you’re a… uhm… that thing. That I’ve always known that you were. Why _ are _ you sticky-smelling, Joseph?”

“I do _ not _smell sticky!” Joey snapped, chucking his barely drank coffee into a bin and shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You know, uh . . . “ Rachel waved vaguely, clearing her throat, “_ Horny. _”

Joey stopped dead, his spine stiffening and Monica laughed, “Aw, Joey, do you-”

“No! What the actual- Rachel, why would you-” Joey glared at the werewolf accusingly, “Well you smell like matted fur so bleh!” He stuck his tongue out.

“No, but like,” Rachel shrugged, “like zombie-horny, like um, humans don’t smell like this, it’s hard to explai-”

“Don’t try then!” Joey huffed then winced and glared at Chandler.

Ross groaned, “Chandler, whatever you did with Joey’s dick, could you please retu--”

Phoebe took in a very long, loud breath before nearly-shouting, “Is ** _that_ ** what’s going on?! Chandler! I thought you had found a way to steal some of Joey’s aura from him! That’s not very nice.” She thought for a moment and added, “Unless it’s ** _very_ ** nice?”

“It is decidedly NOT nice!” Joey snapped, “He’s evil and mean and let me look for it for _ an hour _!” 

Monica gave Chandler’s bum another rub, this time up with the heel of her hand, “I dunno, Joe, maybe you just can’t keep track of it.”

“He tried to accuse _ me _ of losing it after sex last night when ** _really_ ** he snuck it off my bedstand, put it in a sock, and pleasured himself. _ This _ is some delicious ** _punishment_ **,” Chandler defended teasingly.

“Joey! Did you defile a sock with your dismembered bits?” Monica asked with a faux scandalized look on her face, using just a finger this time.

“ . . . you routinely detach that thing? That cannot be good for it.” Rachel’s eyebrows raced for her hairline and she glanced at Ross, “Although . . . “

Ross pinked again and started walking again. “Mine don’t detach, Rach.” He cleared his throat. “Him-zombie, me-vampire. Entirely different rules. No.”

“But you’re both _ technically _dead!” Rachel hurried to catch up while Monica and the others stayed back a bit.

Monica leaned closer to Chandler’s ear, “How long you wanna make dead-boy suffer?”

“Which one?” Chandler chuffed.

Ross’s already uptight body language tensed further. “We may both be _ un _ dead, Rachel, but ** _my_ ** body isn’t _ technically _decomposing.”

“Hey, I’m not decomposing! I’m super fresh! Lemony even!” Joey called back then glared at Monica and Chandler, “Look, just give me what’s mine and I won’t exact my terrible vengeance.”

“Which would be what?” Monica asked.

“I’m not telling you.” Joey crossed his arms then shivered when Chandler clenched.

Phoebe looped an arm around Joey and offered, “I could sing to it… or them. Maybe that’d do the trick!”

Chandler froze, turning back to face them with an almost-sickly impression. “** _Please_ ** , Phoebes. ** _Do not_ ** sing to anyone’s genitals.”

“Speaking of,” Joey rounded on Chandler but Phoebe had a tight hold on him, “Give it _ back _, Bing, it can’t just stay off for long!”

“Oh it’s gonna get off alright.” Monica stuck her tongue out at Joey then nodded to Phoebe, “What can you do about this? I thought things had to hear you. Dicks don’t have ears.”

Phoebe tilted her head and beamed at Monica. “No, but _ Chandler _ does.”

Ross laced his fingers with Rachel’s and shouted, “** _GET A ROOM_ **!” before pulling her along to put some distance between them and the others.

Rachel waved at them as she was whisked away and Joey looked around, “Um, hey, yes, hello, my penis, I want it back please and thank you _ now _ ! Or at the _ very least _ can you get me off where we aren’t in an incredibly public place?”

“Oh you mean like behind those bushes over there? Conveniently located and out of the public eye?” Monica pointed to the side.

“No!” Joey’s eyes widened and he tilted his head to the side, “I do _ not _mean that!”

Chandler grinned. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Want to help, Mon?”

“I would be delighted, lead the way my little sugar snack.” Monica gave a grand gesture and smirked at Joey, “Phoebe, I don’t think we will require your majestic voice but feel free to tag along and watch!”

Joey looked around, “Hey! Hey no wait! Stop that!”

Chandler sing-songed on the way to the bushes, “The sooner you get off _ in _ me, the sooner you can get _ out _ of me!”

Phoebe gave Joey a kiss on the cheek and turned to follow. “Sorry, Joey. It’s not every day you get an offer like that!”

Joey watched helplessly as all three moseyed to the bushes then huffed, “Okay, fine, you want a show, then you’re getting a show. You know, Bing, if you wanted a top so bad why’d you agree to go out with me? Thirsty ass little piece of-”

“That’s enough out of you.” Monica said, one eyebrow rising as she ran her fingers over Chandler’s shoulder then leaned up to nibble on his neck, “Now, who’s Mommy’s good boy?”

Chandler melted, subconsciously letting Lil Joey slip for a moment before clenching _ hard _. “Me, Mommy. I’m your good good boy.”

Joey sat down hard on the ground, glaring up at them both as he undid his belt, “I swear to christ if-”

“Joey, I said that was _ enough _ from you,” Monica gave him a look, “Don’t make me find something to gag you wi- oh, wait a second, what do we have here?” She ran a hand down Chandler’s front and sure enough he had a sizeable bulge in the front of his jeans, “I think we do have something.” She smiled wickedly and her fangs lengthened to graze along Chandler’s neck.

Joey glanced at Phoebe who was looking ready to bounce herself into the stratosphere with excitement then he looked at Monica and Chandler, “You want me to . . . right here? Now?”

“You know I keep hearing you talking,” Monica’s lip curled up in annoyance, “Do you want your penis back or not?” She smiled as Joey reluctantly crawled forward, “Good. Better.”

Chandler shuddered, leaning slightly into her fangs and clenching in anticipation as Joey’s mouth neared. ** _This_ ** was the best life a switch could possibly live.

Joey undid Chandler’s jeans and glared up at him as they were pulled down to his knees, he had to get the last word out at least for a bit, “ . . . you’re both lucky I’m housebroken or domesticated or whatever, I could just nip this thing off then you both would be fucked.”

“The only one getting fucked is your mouth and Chandler’s backend,” Monica murmured and her hand slid down between Chandler’s asscheeks to get a firm grip on the base of Joey’s cock, giving it a hard thrust while she lightly licked Chandler’s ear, “Would Mommy’s good boy like to bleed a little?”

“Oooh yes please, Mommy. Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!”

Phoebe didn’t seem able to decide between widening her eyes almost comically and squinting at the trio. Eventually, she asked, “You sure you’re not part-Siren, Mon? You’ve not even sung and you’re having better results than I do most of the time.”

“Oh no no no, Phoebes, see I’m just a very strong woman and Chandler loves strong women,” Monica purred, she reached down and pushed Joey’s head lower on Chandler’s cock until the zombie made a sound of protest and glared at her, “Chandler and Joey both though I’ll let you guess which one won’t admit it.” She gave Joey’s cock and head a firm shove together in and on Chandler before she lightly bit the human’s neck just enough for it to bleed, she didn’t bother to lick it up and watched the droplets run into the human’s sweater, “Joey mostly likes to watch though.”

“I can see why,” Phoebe hummed over the various moans, growls, and whimpers the boys were making, “I wish I had popcorn!”

Joey dug his fingers into Chandler’s thighs and twisted his head back and forth, it was a plus that he didn’t have to breathe considering the head of Chandler’s cock kept smacking the back of his throat but the smell of blood made his toes curl and his own cock was throbbing and twitching. He’d need a transfusion after this . . . he was about to lose his head if Chandler kept thrusting so hard.

Monica chuckled, “We’ll make a video for you. Chandler loves exhibitionism. Mommy’s good sweet little boy . . . “ she tilted Joey’s cock and pressed it just _ so _ to get the human’s prostate, “Chandler, why don’t you tell Phoebe what you like to be called in bed? What you like Mommy to call you?”

Chandler flushed a deeper scarlet than anyone thought possible and opened his mouth to speak, “I wa- ** _ahh AH AH AHH ohhh_ ** Jesus fucking ** _SHIT ON A PINESICLE_ **.”

Joey faltered and had to pull back to start laughing, his mouth open almost wide enough to tear his cheeks, “I’M CALLING YOU SHIT ON A PINESICLE IN BED FROM NOW ON!”

Monica snorted and covered her mouth, “Um, that’s, heh, that’s not it Chandler . . . that’s not it at all . . . “ She grabbed Joey by the hair and pushed him back down on Chandler’s cock before he could start laughing again.

Chandler ducked his head. “Sorry, Mommy, I didn’t mean to disobey you. I just… Joey’s never done ** _that_ ** with his tongue and throat at the same time before.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before trying again, “I’m Mommy’s Bingy Bongy Baby Boy.”

Monica smiled and kissed Chandler’s neck where she’d bitten him, “That’s it, that’s Mommy’s sweet boy, Mommy’s Bingy Bongy Baby Boy.” She pushed on Joey’s cock faster, “Now why don’t you come for Mommy?”

“Oh, ** _oh yes_ **,” tears sprang to Chandler’s eyes as his climax sped up to meet the back of Joey’s throat and he muttered mostly senseless praises and thank yous, “thank you, Mommy. Such the best Mommy.”

“I know I am, sweetheart, I know,” Monica murmured and slowly pulled Joey out of Chandler. She leaned over to look at Joey as the zombie licked his lips, looking up at them, “You were a good boy too, Joey, eventually.”

Joey rolled his eyes, “Gee thanks, can I have my dick back now?”

“You can stop pretending you didn’t enjoy yourself.” Monica smiled and held out Joey’s very limp dick to him, “How much did you come?”

“I’ll never tell.” Joey mumbled, swiping it out of her hand and putting it in his pocket.

Phoebe scrunched her nose. “Enough that I think your _ baby boy _ needs a diaper, Mon.”

Monica snorted, “He’s fine, Joey can’t ejaculate so no mess, no fuss.”

Joey’s cheeks flushed as much as a dead man’s could and he stood up, albeit very stiffly then he leaned over and licked some of the blood off Chandler’s neck and nuzzled him, “Next time you steal my dick, tell me so I can put a ring on it, _ shit on a pinesicle. _”

“Love you too, Jojo.” Chandler nuzzled back before realizing something, “It probably _ has _ been detached long enough at this point that we should go to the Stitchers, though.”

At least he had the decency to look apologetic.


End file.
